They say we can’t pick our family but we can pick our friends and lovers. Well, guess what? There’s a few things you need to look out for.
Do recognize the signs of a narcissist?
I used to know this woman who from the minute we started chatting, it was all about her. In the beginning I thought it was a nervous thing but I now recognize it for what it is and that is narcissism.
Not once–ever–did she ask how I was feeling or doing or succeeding or failing….she cared only for herself.
Ask yourself this question.
According to Health Line there are ELEVEN things you want to be keenly aware of. So let the six narcissist traits warm you up and we’ll take a lot at the eleven. Thank you Healthline.com for the guide.
ONE: They are BEYOND charming…in the beginning.
Oh man, it feels so special. He only has eyes for you.(And I say “he” just for simplicity–believe me a narcissist can just as easily be a “she”). Always texting or calling. Making moves and appearing to fit into every segment of your life.
Narcissist Alert: Listen to your gut. While I do believe in something akin to love at first sight, it’s subtle and sweet. In no way is it aggressive or turn on you when you don’t agree. To be so charming in the beginning makes me wonder, what’s left to share? Is it all a rouse? What’s the rush? Think ‘obsession’…that would scare me.
Let’s keep looking;.
TWO: They HOG the conversation.
It doesn’t take long for a narcissist to show their true colors.
You could be chatting about how you aced a test and they’ll butt in and tell you their story–which is of course so much more interesting than your own. Don’t let it happen.
Call them on it.
For some it may be a thing they don’t realize they’e doing.
A narcissist will always want to best everyone and shine brighter than the bare bulb in the centre of the ceiling. Everything is about THEM! The center of attention or bust!
THREE: They Need Constant Strokes.
Though the narcissist will tell you how good and special they are, they actually suffer from low self esteem and really need a constant build up from those around them.
The ego can be a fragile thing.
FOUR: Lack of Empathy
Yeah, sorry. If you’re shacked up with a narcissist, it’s going to be about them and not you.
They don’t really “get” that you have feelings too. And, if they do, believe me you’re a long second to their first place.
Not a pretty picture, I know.
FIVE: They Usually Don’t Have a Lot of Long-Term Friends
Developing long term caring relationships can be difficult for a narcissist. They too, in turn, may resent the fact that your long term friends have a place in your life.
This can be a bone of contention so be aware and listen to your gut. Don’t start cutting people out of your life just because your narcissistic partner doesn’t like them.
Seriously….time to take a step back.
SIX: They Pick On You Constantly
This is a bully type behavior that begins in a relationship. It can be name-calling, put downs, not liking what you’re wearing, doing, talking about.
It can be done “in fun” to start with…a little teasing that stings a bit perhaps. But it doesn’t take long until it’s sharper, more focused, and hurtful.
It’s not about you.
It’s about their inability to lift themselves up.
They need to make someone else–and hey, why not the one who close by–feel bad about themselves. Fighting back or questioning gives them power.
So frikken twisted.
SEVEN: A Narcissist Will Gaslight You
They’ll call you crazy. Tell you they didn’t say that. Words will get twisted.
While it may not be about you, you’re the one who could be in danger. Read everything you can and make private notes of what you said and did.
At this stage, I hope you’ve told someone–a friend, a parent, an auntie,–what’s going on. Don’t put yourself in danger.
EIGHT: A Failure to Commit?
Does your partner, who falls into many of the scenarios mentioned, also show a failure to commit?
This could be because they feel they’re too good to settle down with you. After all, they’ve got the perks of a relationship why make it official.
They too may like to play the card of leaving the relationship and/or flirt with others he/she feels may be more worthy of his time.
With all the behavior, which I would classify as abusive, are you sure you want to marry this person.
Believe me when I say, nothing is going to change after the party.
NINE: A Narcissist is Always Right and Never Apologizes
I think that’s relatively straight forward. Personally, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to live with someone like that. Just saying.
TEN: They Panic When You Want to Break Up
Now, this can be pretty dicey because there’s a bit of a power shift. If you’re the one doing the breaking up, then walk–hell, run–and don’t look back.
Don’t stick around and get sucked down the road of the first sign of the narcissist…the charmer….again. It will happen and things will fall back into the horrible routine again.
It’s all about power, they don’t want you to have any and they need to know where they’re going to get their next fix of ego strokes.
Don’t let the game go on
It’s sad, but even at the end the arrested development of the narcissist still has to get their two cents out there. They’ll lash out and tell everyone it’s you fault and even lie and smear your name everywhere. Be prepared. Fighting will make it worse.
ELEVEN: If You Do Successfully Break UP–It’ll BE ALL Your Fault
It’s okay. Go be with your friends…you know, the ones your ex doesn’t like.
Reconnect with your family. They’ll be so happy to see you.
Watch your back because attempts at stalking, following, reconciliation will more than likely happen. Be ultra aware.
Try and get back to who you were prior to the relationship. Learn from the experience.
Therapy, counseling, or any kind of tangible support is always helpful.
Please be careful. And be aware.
The narcissist can be difficult to shake off.
Life isn’t easy and those we invite into our lives should be worthy of the invitation. It can be very flattering to be bombarded with tokens of love and affection, but if a little voice inside is telling you to slow down–please listen.
It’s normal to try and think the best of people, especially when their behaviors are so far from the norm for you. Don’t make excuses and don’t hesitate to ask questions. You can always ask me…I’m here.
Be careful. There’s only one you.
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